Contrapoints did a video recently on shame and her experience of shame around being gay. DBT explains shame as a social emotion that tells us when we are violating the rules or expectations of the group or community of which we are associated. That association is often not really a decision, as being born into American society we develop or don’t develop shame around certain areas. In Japan there’s a lot of shame around tattoos that is absent from most of American society at this point.
Natalie’s experience of shame created a lot of suffering for her. The Buddha talks about skillful shame, now initially this sort of confused me because shame in popular leftist culture is often reviled as unnecessary and bad (shameful, even). Yet if the purpose of shame is to control and manage behavior, then a skillful application of shame would use this control and management to reduce stress and create skillful beneficial behaviors.
For example, if you are associated with a culture that shames not asking for romantic consent, this helps to induce in its members a willingness to ask for romantic consent and avoid crossing boundaries. In the monastic community the sense of shame is used to help enforce monastic discipline and helps people to stick with the training. In recovery from substance use one of the most common and effective applications of shame is the shame which pushes people away from relapse and drug use, if you’ve ever relapsed you know how shitty it can feel to then come clean to your recovery community.
“These seven qualities, lord, lead to a monk’s non-decline. Which seven? Respect for the teacher, respect for the Dhamma, respect for the Saṅgha, respect for training, respect for concentration, respect for shame, respect for compunction. These seven qualities, lord, lead to a monk’s non-decline.’”
AN 7:32
Compunction here can also be read as guilt, often a partner to skillful shame. Respecting the sense of shame as a useful tool when properly applied is part of making use of the whole toolbox. When I was in a DBT program, we did an exercise where we had to “sell” emotions, basically pitching to the group why whatever emotion we got is important. I got guilt and shame. The central part of my argument for shame was that shame helps you stay within the bounds of your communities expectations, keeping friends and building bonds.
“Who in the world
is a man constrained by shame,
who awakens to censure
like a fine stallion to the whip?”
“Those restrained by shame
are rare—
those who go through life
always mindful.
Having reached the end
of suffering & stress,
they go among the discordant
harmoniously.”
SN 1:18
Shame here is explained as a restraining force, in line with the above explanation of shame.
“[Udayin] said to the Blessed One, “It’s amazing, lord. It’s astounding, how much they have done for me—my love & respect for the Blessed One, my sense of shame & compunction. Before, when I was a householder, I wasn’t appreciative of the Dhamma or the Saṅgha, but contemplating my love & respect for the Blessed One, my sense of shame & compunction, I went forth from home life into homelessness.”
SN 46:30
“whoever has no conviction with regard to skillful qualities, no sense of shame with regard to skillful qualities, no sense of compunction with regard to skillful qualities, no persistence with regard to skillful qualities, no discernment with regard to skillful qualities is, in the discipline of the noble ones, said to be poor, destitute, & penniless.”
AN 6:45
Here, shame is talked about in relation to the sangha, the community of the noble ones. Because shame is dependent upon connection to, in association with a group it’s imperative that one has a sense of being part of the sangha. Being a part of the sangha fine-tunes the shame to develop skillfully, towards less stress rather than more. In unskillful instances of shame, it contributes to greed, aversion, and delusion. In Natalie’s case, the delusion of her heterosexuality.
Two questions can arise from this:
- When does shame fail to constrain undesirable behaviors?
- When is shame skillful and unskillful?
The first question has an answer, although I don’t know how to pinpoint it exactly. We see an egregious breaking of shame-as-deterrent in the numerous sexual abuse cases among “celibate” clergy. Shame can’t be the only deterrent to unskillful behavior. The Buddha, often in the same breath, cites compunction or guilt as supportive factors. We could list all the other factors conducive to liberation then and all that arrays against them as counter-factors. Suffice it to say that shame is at minimum a supporting factor and at most a necessary but not sufficient factor for skillful behavior.
In terms of determining skillful and unskillful shame, we can look at the famous Kalama Sutta, where Buddha says that what is skillful and unskillful is determined by its result as well as by the guidance of the wise:
When you know for yourselves that, ‘These qualities are unskillful; these qualities are blameworthy; these qualities are criticized by the observant; these qualities, when adopted & carried out, lead to harm & to suffering’—then you should abandon them.
…
When you know for yourselves that, ‘These qualities are skillful; these qualities are blameless; these qualities are praised by the observant; these qualities, when adopted & carried out, lead to welfare & to happiness’—then you should enter & remain in them.
AN 3:66
To determine effective and ineffective shame therefore demands a careful observation of the results of that shame: does it lead to welfare and happiness or to harm and suffering? I think it’s important in that determination that something being in the moment unpleasant is not necessarily solid grounds for dismissing it as ineffective. As taking bitter medicine is unpleasant while taking it, yet results in long term good, we can’t take the first sensation as the only measuring tape. Our secondary check is to take guidance from those who are observant and wise. In the analogy of bitter medicine, that is a medical person.
Determining a wise and observant person is explained in multiple suttas, often in terms of people of integrity or admirable friends. AN 4:192 breaks down various aspects of a wise person and how they can be recognized. The four aspects are:
- Virtue – Through living with/being near a person and observing their behavior over a long period of time, looking for consistency with regard to virtuous behavior.
- Purity – Through observing how someone engages with others, seeing that “The way this person deals when one-on-one, is the same way he deals when with two, when with three, when with many. His earlier dealings jibe with his later dealings.”
- Endurance – Through seeing how someone manages adversity over a long period of time.
- Discernment – Through a long period of discussion, “From the way this person rises to an issue, from the way he applies [his reasoning], from the way he addresses a question, he is discerning, not dull. Why is that? He makes statements that are deep, tranquil, refined, beyond the scope of conjecture, subtle, to-be-experienced by the wise. He can declare the meaning, teach it, describe it, set it forth, reveal it, explain it, & make it plain.”
Another sutta describes a person of integrity in further detail based on various qualities of integrity:
“A person of integrity is endowed with qualities of integrity; he is a person of integrity in his friendship, in the way he wills, the way he gives advice, the way he speaks, the way he acts, the views he holds, & the way he gives a gift.
“And how is a person of integrity endowed with qualities of integrity? There is the case where a person of integrity is endowed with conviction, conscience, concern; he is learned, with aroused persistence, unmuddled mindfulness, &good discernment. This is how a person of integrity is endowed with qualities of integrity.
“And how is a person of integrity a person of integrity in his friendship? There is the case where a person of integrity has, as his friends & companions, those contemplatives & brahmans who are endowed with conviction, shame, compunction; who are learned, with aroused persistence, unmuddled mindfulness, & good discernment. This is how a person of integrity is a person of integrity in his friendship.
“And how is a person of integrity a person of integrity in the way he wills? There is the case where a person of integrity wills neither for his own affliction, nor for the affliction of others, nor for the affliction of both. This is how a13person of integrity is a person of integrity in the way he wills.
“And how is a person of integrity a person of integrity in the way he gives advice? There is the case where a person of integrity gives advice neither for his own affliction, nor for the affliction of others, nor for the affliction of both. This is how a person of integrity is a person of integrity in the way he gives advice.
“And how is a person of integrity a person of integrity in the way he speaks? There is the case where a person of integrity is one who refrains from lies, refrains from divisive tale-bearing, refrains from harsh speech, refrains from idle chatter. This is how a person of integrity is a person of integrity in the way he speaks
“And how is a person of integrity a person of integrity in the way he acts? There is the case where a person of integrity is one who refrains from taking life, refrains from stealing, refrains from illicit sex. This is how a person of integrity is a person of integrity in the way he acts.
“And how is a person of integrity a person of integrity in the views he holds? There is the case where a person of integrity is one who holds a view like this: ‘There is what is given, what is offered, what is sacrificed. There are fruits & results of good & bad actions. There is this world & the next world. There is mother & father. There are spontaneously reborn beings; there are contemplatives & brahmans who, faring rightly & practicing rightly, proclaim this world & the next after having directly known & realized it for themselves.’ This is how a person of integrity is a person of integrity in the views he holds.
“And how is a person of integrity a person of integrity in the way he gives a gift? There is the case where a person of integrity gives a gift attentively, with his own hand, respectfully, not as if throwing it away, with the view that something will come of it. This is how a person of integrity is a person of integrity in the way he gives a gift
MN 110