Over the past few years, my experience of gender has changed. Years back I felt a definite sense of “womanness” and would definitely describe my identity at that time as female. About three years ago my sense of gender binary started to break down and I started a process of gradually experiencing my sense of gender as less feminine and more a mix of masculine and feminine. As time continued, in connection to my religious practice, my sense of genderness, the associated identity fabrication, started to stop. I began to stop fabricating a gender identity.

I remember one meditation session where I felt this definite sense of becoming free of gender. I’ve had my dysphoria decrease in many areas. The other day I was hiking in the woods and had this sense that while the term agender accurately describes my experience of gender (the lack thereof) the label itself doesn’t feel correct.

The description is accurate. The label doesn’t feel worthwhile to have as me or mine. I feel dispassion for the label agender even as my experience of gender feels profoundly empty.

Society understands me as transgender, as non-binary, as agender. Yet these feel like impositions by others to make an explanation of the sequence of events readily understandable. Transness describes a causal chain of events, not a fixed permanent identity. I took birth in this way, had these feelings and this perception of those feelings, decided on this course to alleviate those feelings and did these things.

If you stop pouring water into a glass with a hole, it empties out. You’re left with an empty container.