It’s not a sure thing

Desire and Disappointment

Over the course of my life I have often had a craving for a specific kind of experience arise. I think because of my engagement with videogames this usually manifests as a desire to play a specific kind of videogame, centered around some fabricated image or idea of something. The powerful mage, stealthy thief, charismatic priest, and so on. What has always frustrated me about this is that I’m never actually able to fulfill this desire. It arises, I long for something, maybe I download a game that I play for a bit, then it leaves.

Often I feel depressed about this. There’s this feeling of longing for something I can’t fulfill. Yet I keep coming back to this suffering. Even as I catch it earlier and earlier I still go out, download something, start it up, get bored.

Recently I got the urge to play Mount and Blade again, so I did that. Then I got bored. Now I want to play Knights of the Old Republic and I already feel depressed about it. In the same instant that it’s sad, I feel hopelessly lost without it, it feels like a lesser pain but I’m starting to think that’s a lie. That if I let go of this it won’t suck and I won’t get lost.

“It’s not a sure thing” as Ajahn Chah says to remember.